Here and Now

Before I get into the history of my life up to now, let me state where my head and heart is at recently. In July 2009, I was nearing my 43 birthday and I was on a layover in Delhi, India. I had awakened early in the morning thinking about many things, mostly why am I so unhappy with my life? So much so that I am not the most pleasant person to be around thanks to mood swings that were unpredictable, and somewhat frequent.

My company a couple of weeks earlier had put out a memo to the flight attendants that the company would be overstaffed for the fall, winter, and spring of 2009/2010 and that they needed numerous flight attendants to take voluntary leaves of absences for 6 or 9 months. I thought to myself maybe this leave of absence was just what I needed to begin making changes in my life. Changes I felt that would be necessary to stem the feelings unhappiness with my career and life. If I did come forward and volunteer for a leave it would not come without significant cost.

Foremost, my partner of almost 3 years would be dramatically and radically affected by these changes brought by a potential leave of absence. The leave of absence being offered would be without pay. Of course, no pay means the bills would not be paid.

Currently, I have a home in suburban Phoenix with first and second mortgages. Yes, thanks to the current value of the house, I am very upside down in my mortgages. Luckily, my income does allow me to afford the mortgages, my car note, credit card bills, utilities, contribution to my 401(k) plan, expenses for travel when working, and some discretionary spending. Otherwise I am putting no other income into savings. My partner he pays rent and half of the utilities.

By taking a leave of absence, the mortgage payments would stop thus leading to eventual foreclosure, the car payments would stop thus leading to repossession of my vehicle, credit cards closed and unpaid, and eventually no medical/dental/vision coverage either. By taking the leave I would be forced to scramble to find another source of income, but at the same time be freed from my current responsibilities that currently leave me with the feeling of being trapped. I am literally feeling shackled to a home, car, and credit cards. I hate the feeling of being trapped. I absolutely loathe this trapped feeling. Maybe by taking the leave, I would be forced to get up off my ass and do something. Do something radically different with my life.

This was my line of reasoning that early morning in Delhi. I was so overwhelmed with my thoughts and half baked plan that I immediately called Bob(my partner) long distance and launched into what I thought was radical, but also revolutionary. Bob thought I had lost my mind or crashed and burned. For a moment he thought I was putting and end to our relationship. I was not. We just might be living in a different place within a few short months.

So after lengthy expression of anxiety and disgust over my current circumstances, and a few tears with Bob over an expensive long distance phone call. I did agree with Bob that I would wait and discuss it more with him when I got home from work. However, I had other designs. I had gone online and began filling out the leave of absence form, but had yet pressed the submit button. A bit of guilt or remorse had swept over me as I gave Bob my word I would not do anything until I got home. The only problem was I would not be home for a few days and I had less than 24 hours to submit leave form. So I thought I would discuss my options with friends of mine who I was working with and would be having breakfast with there in Delhi. I did. Boy the look of shock and disbelief on my friend’s faces is still indelible in my mind today. They listened to my plan in disbelief. They immediately launched into arguments of why it would be wrong to do what I was thinking about doing. They gently guided me off the ledge of the financial abyss I was about to leap into. By the end of breakfast, I then committed to not doing anything rash, and I did not.

Here I am today. Still in debt up to my ears, unhappy with where I live, unfulfilled in job and personal life.

What is the purpose of why I was placed on this planet? What is the destiny I seek? Was I not meant to do something meaningful before I die?